Mar 08

Lookin’ Up My Back Door

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Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2013/03/v2/

Start at 45

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Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2013/03/lookin-up-my-back-door-starring-ms-butt-meddler/

Dec 07

Belching Sword Swallower Accidentally Impales Audience Member

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By Chad Elliott, Weekly World News

MAGIC, Minn. — Spectators at the Magic Renaissance Festival got more of a show than they bargained for when sword swallower Edmund Cardoza, 52, accidentally belched up a saber that impaled audience member Mike Griffin, 26.

“It happened so fast I didn’t know what hit me,” Griffin said. “Suddenly there was this sword sticking straight through my shoulder and my wife was screaming.”

The injured man was rushed to the hospital where doctors were able to remove the weapon. Griffin is expected to make a full recovery.

Police officers questioned Cardoza who explained it was an accident, though he admitted to wolfing down a triple corned beef and cabbage club sandwich in the short intermission between weekend shows.

“Gas is a sword swallower’s greatest enemy,” he said gravely.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/12/belching-sword-swallower-accidentally-impales-audience-member/

Feb 11

Things are Looking Up: Man Found in Women’s Outhouse Says He Lost Ring

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Excerpted from the Union Leader Correspondent

CONWAY — The Maine man police discovered at the bottom of a women’s outhouse last month told investigators that he was searching for his wedding ring.

According to court papers filed by Carroll County Sheriff’s Department Capt. Jon Herbert, officers were called to the Lower Falls by a U.S. Forest Service worker on June 26 after a girl entered the restroom and saw a man in the raw sewage vault “looking up at her.”

“The only access to the vault the public had was through the toilet opening,” Hebert wrote. Hebert used a flashlight to look into the vault and said he saw Moody “pressed up against the wall.”

He ordered the man to come out of the corner. He complied and Hebert called in the Conway fire department to assist officers in removing Moody from the tank and to decontaminate him.

“He told me that he was changing clothes when he dropped his wedding ring into he toilet,” Hebert wrote. “He said the ring was very valuable and he did not want to return home without it.”

A day later, the contents of the vault were pumped in order to recover evidence. After the vault was pumped, a pair of waders were recovered and when they were emptied, “I found a green shirt, a pair of white socks and a pair of watershoes inside” the waders, he wrote.

A filter that could screen for items as small as a cigarette butt was used to reexamine the contents. Hebert said the septic operator said “he did not find any rings or any other item of value.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/things-are-looking-up-man-found-in-womens-outhouse-says-he-lost-ring/

Feb 11

In-Flight Flatulence

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A Nashville International Airport spokeswoman said an American Airlines plane bound for Texas had to make an emergency landing Monday morning in Nashville after matches were lit in flight.  The pilot said the concern was what passengers said they smelled inside the aircraft and that he did not feel it was safe to continue on.

“About 6:30 this morning, an American Airlines pilot called the FAA tower reporting that passengers were smelling fumes like matches being struck within the cabin,” said airport spokeswoman Lynne Lowrance.

The 99 passengers and five crew members were taken inside the terminal after landing so the plane could be checked out.  ”They did find evidence of where matches had been struck in an individual’s seating area.  That individual is being questioned by the FBI at this time,” Lowrance said.

A woman passenger told investigators that she lit matches to mask gas that she emitted.

Just before noon authorities said the passengers re-boarded the plane and continued on to Texas.

The female passenger was released without being charged, but was not allowed back on the American Airlines flight.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/in-flight-flatulence/

Feb 11

Famous Farts in History

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Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford flatulated while swearing loyalty to Queen Elizabeth I and consequently went into self-imposed exile for seven years.

After his return, the Queen was reported to have reassured de Vere: “My Lord, I had quite forgotten the fart.
Emperor Claudius passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health.  There was a widespread misconception that a person could be poisoned by retaining flatulence.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/famous-farts-in-history/

Feb 11

Just the Tip

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A man went in for a colonoscopy.  The gastroenterologist examined him, and then turned him onto his side to begin the procedure.

The doc immediately noticed a large piece of lettuce protruding from the gentleman’s posterior.

“Sir,” she said, “did you know that you have lettuce hanging out of your bottom?”

“Yes,” replied the man, “but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/just-the-tip/

Feb 11

Stop and Smell the Flowers

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Two gastroenterologists are discussing their most baffling cases.  One gastro tells the other one about the day she put his scope into a patient and found a large bouquet of flowers.

The other gastro looks really amazed and asks, “Where did those flowers come from?”

The first gastro shrugged her shoulders and answered, “How should I know?  There wasn’t any card!”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/stop-and-smell-the-flowers/

Feb 03

Endangered Feces?

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”What’s all this fuss I hear about endangered feces?  That’s outrageous.

Why is feces endangered?

How can you possibly run out of such a thing?

And besides…who wants to save THAT, anyway?”
~ Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, Saturday Night Live

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/endangered-feces/

Feb 03

What Kind of Car Do You Drive?

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Three men met at a party, and it wasn’t long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kinds of cars they drove.  “I’m a veterinarian,” said the first fellow.  “So, naturally, I drive a white ‘Vet.”

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, “I own a sign company, so I Drive a purple Neon.”

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.  “Well,” he finally admitted, “I’m a gastroenterologist…and I have a brown Probe.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/what-kind-of-car-do-you-drive/

Feb 03

Anyone Thirsty?

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A doctor is waiting in the examination room.  On the table is his patient, in the position, his derriere catching the breeze.  Long minutes tick by.

Finally the nurse enters and sets a bottle of beer on the table next to the doctor.

He stares at it for a moment, then turns to his nurse.

“No…I said, ‘Bring me a butt light.’”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/anyone-thirsty/

Feb 03

What Did You Say?!

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A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by patients during colonoscopy:

• “Take it easy, doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

• “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

• “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

• “Are we there yet?”

• “Can you hear me now?”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/what-did-you-say/

Feb 03

The Corner Pocket…

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My stomach’s been bothering me, Doc”, complained the patient.

“Possibly a problem in your diet.  What are you eating?”

“Oh, that’s easy. I only eat pool balls!”

“POOL BALLS?!” asked the astonished doctor.  “That may just be it! What kind do you eat?”

“All kinds: red ones for breakfast; yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks and black and purple for supper.”

“I see your problem”, commented the doc. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/the-corner-pocket/

Jan 27

Definition of Gastroenterology

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Gastroenterology:

The rare profession in which the doctor starts out at the bottom…

…And stays there!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/definition-of-gastroenterology/

Jan 27

More Comments Heard During A Colonoscopy

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• “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.  You do the Hokey Pokey…”

• “Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!”

• “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

• “Hey, doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/more-comments-heard-during-a-colonoscopy/

Jan 27

For Your Viewing Pleasure…

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There’s a made for TV movie about a gastroenterologist who find true love with a patient.

It’s called:

“Somebody Up There Loves Me”.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/for-your-viewing-pleasure/

Jan 27

Hazards of Work…

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We recently hospitalized a butcher who became injured when he backed into his meat grinder.

He’s gotten a little behind in his work!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/hazards-of-work/

Jan 27

Respect For The Dead

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A prominent cardiologist died.  At his elaborate funeral, a large, anatomically correct floral heart was set on the dais behind the casket.

At the end of the service, during the final prayer, the large heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside.

A physician in the audience burst into loud laughter.  As his friends shushed him, he chortled, “I’m a gastro!  Can you imagine my funeral”?

~ Special thanks to Chan Ashby MD, Chesapeake VA

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/respect-for-the-dead/

Jan 27

How To Catch A Polar Bear:

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Travel to the North Pole.

Bring along a saw and a box of frozen peas

Cut a hole in the ice.

Lay a single row of peas around the hole in the ice.

When a bear comes to take a pea,  just kick him in the ice hole.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/how-to-catch-a-polar-bear/

Jan 27

The Hole In Your Rear

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The Hole in Your Rear,
From the Broadway Musical “My Fair Colon
Words by Butt Meddler
Loosely to the tune of R&H’s “Street Where You Live

I have often scoped
Through this hole before.
But your rectum hasn’t ever felt this full before.
Lots of sedative
means you will forgive (and forget)
When I scope through the hole in your rear.
Polyps all around
They don’t bother me
Cause I’ll excise them with my snare
And electrocautery
Minor torment
Will Colon cancer prevent
So I “go fish” in the hole in your rear.

And oh, the inflated feeling

as I fill your colon with gas

And you‘ll float up to the ceiling

As I search all nooks and crannies for a mass!

Splenic flexure seen
Transverse colon passed.
It’s amazing what we see when we inflate with gas.
All at once see I
Dii- Verticuli!!!
When I scope through the hole in your rear!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-hole-in-your-rear/

Jan 27

One Night In A Bar…

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It’s only 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar gets up to leave. The bartender says to him, “Hey buddy, why’re ya’ goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here ‘til past midnight. Something wrong?”

“Nah, just gotta sore rear end from sittin’ on this stool for so long.”

“Buddy, I got just the thing for ya’”, says the bartender, reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls out a bottle of pills, and hands the guy two.

“What’re these? Aspirin?”

“No, “ says the bartender, “stool softeners.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/one-night-in-a-bar/

Jan 27

The Cannibal’s Upset Stomach

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A cannibal went to the witch doctor complaining of an upset stomach after eating his last meal.  The witch doctor queried him about what he had eaten.

The cannibal replied, “I had one of those guys who wears a hooded robe with a knotted rope down the side, and he was carrying a rosary.”

“Well, how did you cook him?” the witch doctor asked.

“I boiled him” the cannibal replied.

“Well, that’s your problem, you cooked him completely wrong” said the witch doctor, “you should have known he was a friar!”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-cannibals-upset-stomach/

Jan 27

More True Facts…

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Turtles can breathe through their bottoms.

The blue whale has 400 feet of intestines, man about 26 feet.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/more-true-facts/

Jan 23

An Eskimo Joke..

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Q:  What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A:  Polaroids

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/an-eskimo-joke/

Jan 23

New Construction

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A trendy new medical facility opened last month. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor’s office door would represent his practice.

So, when construction was complete:

• The eye doctor’s door had a peephole.

• The orthopedist’s door had a broken hinge.

• The psychiatrist’s door was painted all kinds of crazy colors,

• …and the gastroenterologist’s door was left open…just a crack!!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/new-construction/

Jan 23

A Medical Anecdote

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I work as a gastroenterologist in a hospital.  Recently, I was caring for a woman and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly,” she replied.  “I just can’t seem to get used to the taste.”

I then asked to see the jelly.  The woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly”.

I kid you not.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-medical-anecdote/

Jan 23

The Heart Attack

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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

~ Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-heart-attack/

Jan 23

Truth In Advertising

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Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry & Proctology.”

The town fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to:

“Hysterias and Posteriors.”

This was not acceptable so they changed it again to:

“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

No go, so they tried:

“Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again, so up went:

“Manic depressives and Anal-retentives.”

This didn’t fly, so here came:

“Minds and Behinds.”  “Lost Souls and Assholes.”  “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”  “Queers and Rears.”  “Nuts and Butts.”  “Freaks and Cheeks.”

“Loons and Moons” did not work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/truth-in-advertising/

Jan 23

A Gastrointestinal Nursery Rhyme

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Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day.
She started taking laxatives
To pass the time away.

The laxatives they did not work
The watch it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is,
Just look up Mary’s father
(who also has a watch).

~ Special thanks to Linda Boyd LPN, Chesapeake VA

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-gastrointestinal-nursery-rhyme/

Jan 23

A Hunting We Will Go!

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A cougar was menacing a western town. Mike and Rob, two hunters, were thrilled when a large bounty was offered for the cougar.

The next Saturday, they went out hunting in an area where the cougar had been recently seen.  After several hours tracking, they saw the tall grass ahead rustling.  They both whipped up their rifles as the cougar sprang out…the cougar fell down, dead.

They didn’t know which one’s bullet had killed the great cat

Mike and Rob split the bounty, and they sent the cat to a taxidermist to be mounted.  They agreed that they would each enjoy the stuffed cat on alternate months.

After about six months, driving across town with the cat was just too big a chore, so they agreed to split the trophy.

They flipped a coin to see who would get which end.  Mike was delighted, but as far as Rob was concerned…it was a Cat—A**—Trophy!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-hunting-we-will-go/

Jan 23

Presidential Wind

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President William Howard Taft was so obese that it was often joked that he was pregnant.

One day, NY Senator Chauncey Depew placed his hand on Taft’s belly and asked. ”What are you going to name it when it arrives, Mr. President?”

“Well, if it’s a boy, I’ll call it William. If it is a girl, I’ll call it Theodora. But if it turns out to be just hot air, I’ll call it Chauncey.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/presidential-wind/

Jan 22

Beer On Tap

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“Good afternoon, barkeep, a pint of ‘Less’ if you please,” said the old man.

“Less? Never heard of it,” replied the barman. ”We certainly don’t stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?”

“Well I’m not sure,” admitted the man. “My doctor recommended it. He said I should drink Less.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/beer-on-tap/

Jan 22

What Is A Gastroenterologist?

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Gastroenterologist:

• A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

• A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/what-is-a-gastroenterologist/

Jan 22

The Boss

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Who’s the Boss?

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge, ” said the stomach,” because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge” said the eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge, “said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-boss/

Jan 22

Ancient Gastroenterology

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First gastroenterologist?

“Abstain from beans.”
~ Pythagoras,6th cent bc

The Roman goddess of excrement was named Cloacina.

The flush toilet is an ancient invention dating back to 2000 BC. They are attributed to the Minoan civilization on Greek island of Crete. King Minos’ palace contained lavatories, sinks, manholes, and massive sewer system. Gravity or cisterns powered the flushing commodes.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/ancient-gastroenterology/

Jan 22

Need Change?

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We saw a teenager the other day who had swallowed ten quarters on a bet…

There’s been no change yet.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/need-change/

Jan 22

Wrong Way To Do It…

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A physician had ordered eardrops for an infection in a patient’s right ear.  He abbreviated ‘place in right ear’ as “place in R ear.”

Though the rectal treatment of an earache made no sense, the duty nurse promptly put the prescribed number of drops into the patient’s bottom.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/wrong-way-to-do-it/

Jan 22

True Facts (Really!)

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Dentists have recommended:

That your toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/true-facts-really/

Jan 22

Amazing Bowel Fact!

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If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/amazing-bowel-fact/

Jan 22

Cork Joke #1

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A medical student wanted to specialize as a gastroenterologist.  He wanted to be a really good gastroenterologist, so he decided to go down to the morgue after class and get in a little extra practice.

When the student uncovered the first corpse, he discovered that there was a cork in the corpse’s bottom.  The student thought that was a little strange, so he pulled out the cork and music started to play:  “On the road again….just can’t wait to get on the road again…”  The student really freaked out!

He ran to get the County Medical Examiner and dragged the Coroner back to the table.

“Look at this!” the student exclaimed, as he pulled the cork out again.  “On the road again….”

The County Coroner was totally unimpressed.  “So what?” he asked.

“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” the medical student asked.

“Are you kidding?  That’s nothing,” replied the Medical Examiner. “Any a**hole can sing country music!”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/cork-joke-1/

Jan 22

One More Cork Joke…

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Two jocks are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bottom.

“If you don’t mind my saying.” says the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable.  Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” laments the first jock.  “It is permanently stuck in my bottom.”

“I don’t understand,” says the other.

I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Gypsy attire came oozing out.  He said, ‘I am a Genie…I can grant you one wish.’ “

“I said, ‘No sh*t!’ “

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/one-more-cork-joke/

Jan 22

Funny Signage

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Sign on entrance door to endoscopy:

“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/funny-signage/

Jan 22

A Pirate Tale

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A pirate off the coast of England spies a merchant ship in the distance.  “First mate,” he bellowed, “fetch me my red shirt!”  After slipping out of his full-sleeved white shirt into the red shirt, he issued the order to attack.

Following the successful battle, the first mate timidly enquired, “Captain, sir, why did you want your red shirt for the battle?”

“Because I knew we would need to fight hand to hand to win our battle, and if I was wounded in the battle, and blood stained my white shirt, the men would lose the heart to fight.”

Later that week, the timid mate ran to the Captain.  “Captain, sir, we see three British Man-o-War ships veering down upon us!  What are we to do?”

“First mate,” he replied calmly, “fetch me my brown pants.”

~ contributed by David Balaban MD, Charloottesville VA

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-pirate-tale/

Mar 05

Sounds Like A Colonoscopy Prep!

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A gentleman was having some constipation problems and his doctor told him he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week the patient returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he felt worse!

“Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?”

“No,” confessed the man, “all I could manage was about 15 minutes.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2010/03/sounds-like-a-colonoscopy-prep/

Mar 05

Diagnostic Learning

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A man is having severe problems with frequent, smelly intestinal gas passage…and what makes it worse is that his flatus is loud as well.

Every time he passes gas, it makes a ‘hhhhuuuunnnnnnnnnda” sound.

He visits his family practitioner, sees a gastroenterologist, and a nutritionist to determine if this is some sort of a food allergy, all to no avail.

He keeps passing frequent smelly toots that make that “hhhhuuuuuunnnnnda” noise.

Finally, he makes an appointment with an ancient Chinese medical practitioner. The practitioner examines the man, sniffs and listens to his gas, and announces “I know what is causing your problems….You have an abscess”.

The man queries,” Sir, how do you know? I’ve already been examined by the smartest, the best, Western medical practitioners and they didn’t find a thing with all their tests!”

The old gentleman replies, “It is simple. It is written that ‘Abscess makes the fart go hhhuuunnnnda.’”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2010/03/diagnostic-learning/

Feb 27

Boys will be boys . . .

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Nearly one-third of burn related hospital visits of males ages 13 to 20 are due to an attempt to set their flatus alight.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2010/02/boys/

Feb 27

Granny’s Way

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One of my fellow physicians told me about her granny — who they could only get to take her fiber supplements if allowed to mix it with gin and tonic water.

I expressed concerned that it would gel up into and undrinkable mess.

“No, s’okay”, my buddy claimed, “Granny likes them, she calls them her ‘geriatric jell-o® shooters’!”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2010/02/grannys-way/

Feb 24

Smart Doc

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A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gastroenterology.  When she asked him why he chose to become a “gastro”, he simply said, “There are lots of openings.”

Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2010/02/hello-world/