Excerpted from the Union Leader Correspondent

CONWAY — The Maine man police discovered at the bottom of a women’s outhouse last month told investigators that he was searching for his wedding ring.

According to court papers filed by Carroll County Sheriff’s Department Capt. Jon Herbert, officers were called to the Lower Falls by a U.S. Forest Service worker on June 26 after a girl entered the restroom and saw a man in the raw sewage vault “looking up at her.”

“The only access to the vault the public had was through the toilet opening,” Hebert wrote. Hebert used a flashlight to look into the vault and said he saw Moody “pressed up against the wall.”

He ordered the man to come out of the corner. He complied and Hebert called in the Conway fire department to assist officers in removing Moody from the tank and to decontaminate him.

“He told me that he was changing clothes when he dropped his wedding ring into he toilet,” Hebert wrote. “He said the ring was very valuable and he did not want to return home without it.”

A day later, the contents of the vault were pumped in order to recover evidence. After the vault was pumped, a pair of waders were recovered and when they were emptied, “I found a green shirt, a pair of white socks and a pair of watershoes inside” the waders, he wrote.

A filter that could screen for items as small as a cigarette butt was used to reexamine the contents. Hebert said the septic operator said “he did not find any rings or any other item of value.”

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A Nashville International Airport spokeswoman said an American Airlines plane bound for Texas had to make an emergency landing Monday morning in Nashville after matches were lit in flight.  The pilot said the concern was what passengers said they smelled inside the aircraft and that he did not feel it was safe to continue on.

“About 6:30 this morning, an American Airlines pilot called the FAA tower reporting that passengers were smelling fumes like matches being struck within the cabin,” said airport spokeswoman Lynne Lowrance.

The 99 passengers and five crew members were taken inside the terminal after landing so the plane could be checked out.  ”They did find evidence of where matches had been struck in an individual’s seating area.  That individual is being questioned by the FBI at this time,” Lowrance said.

A woman passenger told investigators that she lit matches to mask gas that she emitted.

Just before noon authorities said the passengers re-boarded the plane and continued on to Texas.

The female passenger was released without being charged, but was not allowed back on the American Airlines flight.

Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford flatulated while swearing loyalty to Queen Elizabeth I and consequently went into self-imposed exile for seven years.

After his return, the Queen was reported to have reassured de Vere: “My Lord, I had quite forgotten the fart.
Emperor Claudius passed a law legalizing flatulating at banquets out of concern for people’s health.  There was a widespread misconception that a person could be poisoned by retaining flatulence.

The Hole in Your Rear,
From the Broadway Musical “My Fair Colon”
Words by Butt Meddler
Loosely to the tune of R&H’s “Street Where You Live”

I have often scoped
Through this hole before.
But your rectum hasn’t ever felt this full before.
Lots of sedative
means you will forgive (and forget)
When I scope through the hole in your rear.
Polyps all around
They don’t bother me
Cause I’ll excise them with my snare
And electrocautery
Minor torment
Will Colon cancer prevent
So I “go fish” in the hole in your rear.

And oh, the inflated feeling

as I fill your colon with gas

And you‘ll float up to the ceiling

As I search all nooks and crannies for a mass!

Splenic flexure seen
Transverse colon passed.
It’s amazing what we see when we inflate with gas.
All at once see I
Dii- Verticuli!!!
When I scope through the hole in your rear!

A man is having severe problems with frequent, smelly intestinal gas passage…and what makes it worse is that his flatus is loud as well.

Every time he passes gas, it makes a ‘hhhhuuuunnnnnnnnnda” sound.

He visits his family practitioner, sees a gastroenterologist, and a nutritionist to determine if this is some sort of a food allergy, all to no avail.

He keeps passing frequent smelly toots that make that “hhhhuuuuuunnnnnda” noise.

Finally, he makes an appointment with an ancient Chinese medical practitioner. The practitioner examines the man, sniffs and listens to his gas, and announces “I know what is causing your problems….You have an abscess”.

The man queries,” Sir, how do you know? I’ve already been examined by the smartest, the best, Western medical practitioners and they didn’t find a thing with all their tests!”

The old gentleman replies, “It is simple. It is written that ‘Abscess makes the fart go hhhuuunnnnda.’”

Nearly one-third of burn related hospital visits of males ages 13 to 20 are due to an attempt to set their flatus alight.

One of my fellow physicians told me about her granny — who they could only get to take her fiber supplements if allowed to mix it with gin and tonic water.

I expressed concerned that it would gel up into and undrinkable mess.

“No, s’okay”, my buddy claimed, “Granny likes them, she calls them her ‘geriatric jell-o® shooters’!”

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gastroenterology.  When she asked him why he chose to become a “gastro”, he simply said, “There are lots of openings.”