A man went in for a colonoscopy.  The gastroenterologist examined him, and then turned him onto his side to begin the procedure.

The doc immediately noticed a large piece of lettuce protruding from the gentleman’s posterior.

“Sir,” she said, “did you know that you have lettuce hanging out of your bottom?”

“Yes,” replied the man, “but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Two gastroenterologists are discussing their most baffling cases.  One gastro tells the other one about the day she put his scope into a patient and found a large bouquet of flowers.

The other gastro looks really amazed and asks, “Where did those flowers come from?”

The first gastro shrugged her shoulders and answered, “How should I know?  There wasn’t any card!”

”What’s all this fuss I hear about endangered feces?  That’s outrageous.

Why is feces endangered?

How can you possibly run out of such a thing?

And besides…who wants to save THAT, anyway?”
~ Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, Saturday Night Live

Three men met at a party, and it wasn’t long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kinds of cars they drove.  “I’m a veterinarian,” said the first fellow.  “So, naturally, I drive a white ‘Vet.”

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, “I own a sign company, so I Drive a purple Neon.”

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.  “Well,” he finally admitted, “I’m a gastroenterologist…and I have a brown Probe.”

A doctor is waiting in the examination room.  On the table is his patient, in the position, his derriere catching the breeze.  Long minutes tick by.

Finally the nurse enters and sets a bottle of beer on the table next to the doctor.

He stares at it for a moment, then turns to his nurse.

“No…I said, ‘Bring me a butt light.’”

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by patients during colonoscopy:

• “Take it easy, doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

• “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

• “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

• “Are we there yet?”

• “Can you hear me now?”

My stomach’s been bothering me, Doc”, complained the patient.

“Possibly a problem in your diet.  What are you eating?”

“Oh, that’s easy. I only eat pool balls!”

“POOL BALLS?!” asked the astonished doctor.  “That may just be it! What kind do you eat?”

“All kinds: red ones for breakfast; yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks and black and purple for supper.”

“I see your problem”, commented the doc. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”

Gastroenterology:

The rare profession in which the doctor starts out at the bottom…

…And stays there!

• “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.  You do the Hokey Pokey…”

• “Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!”

• “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

• “Hey, doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

There’s a made for TV movie about a gastroenterologist who find true love with a patient.

It’s called:

“Somebody Up There Loves Me”.

We recently hospitalized a butcher who became injured when he backed into his meat grinder.

He’s gotten a little behind in his work!

A prominent cardiologist died.  At his elaborate funeral, a large, anatomically correct floral heart was set on the dais behind the casket.

At the end of the service, during the final prayer, the large heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside.

A physician in the audience burst into loud laughter.  As his friends shushed him, he chortled, “I’m a gastro!  Can you imagine my funeral”?

~ Special thanks to Chan Ashby MD, Chesapeake VA

Travel to the North Pole.

Bring along a saw and a box of frozen peas

Cut a hole in the ice.

Lay a single row of peas around the hole in the ice.

When a bear comes to take a pea,  just kick him in the ice hole.

It’s only 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar gets up to leave. The bartender says to him, “Hey buddy, why’re ya’ goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here ‘til past midnight. Something wrong?”

“Nah, just gotta sore rear end from sittin’ on this stool for so long.”

“Buddy, I got just the thing for ya’”, says the bartender, reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls out a bottle of pills, and hands the guy two.

“What’re these? Aspirin?”

“No, “ says the bartender, “stool softeners.”

A cannibal went to the witch doctor complaining of an upset stomach after eating his last meal.  The witch doctor queried him about what he had eaten.

The cannibal replied, “I had one of those guys who wears a hooded robe with a knotted rope down the side, and he was carrying a rosary.”

“Well, how did you cook him?” the witch doctor asked.

“I boiled him” the cannibal replied.

“Well, that’s your problem, you cooked him completely wrong” said the witch doctor, “you should have known he was a friar!”

Turtles can breathe through their bottoms.

The blue whale has 400 feet of intestines, man about 26 feet.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Q:  What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A:  Polaroids

A trendy new medical facility opened last month. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor’s office door would represent his practice.

So, when construction was complete:

• The eye doctor’s door had a peephole.

• The orthopedist’s door had a broken hinge.

• The psychiatrist’s door was painted all kinds of crazy colors,

• …and the gastroenterologist’s door was left open…just a crack!!

A cougar was menacing a western town. Mike and Rob, two hunters, were thrilled when a large bounty was offered for the cougar.

The next Saturday, they went out hunting in an area where the cougar had been recently seen.  After several hours tracking, they saw the tall grass ahead rustling.  They both whipped up their rifles as the cougar sprang out…the cougar fell down, dead.

They didn’t know which one’s bullet had killed the great cat

Mike and Rob split the bounty, and they sent the cat to a taxidermist to be mounted.  They agreed that they would each enjoy the stuffed cat on alternate months.

After about six months, driving across town with the cat was just too big a chore, so they agreed to split the trophy.

They flipped a coin to see who would get which end.  Mike was delighted, but as far as Rob was concerned…it was a Cat—A**—Trophy!

Dentists have recommended:

That your toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

A gentleman was having some constipation problems and his doctor told him he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week the patient returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he felt worse!

“Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?”

“No,” confessed the man, “all I could manage was about 15 minutes.”