I work as a gastroenterologist in a hospital.  Recently, I was caring for a woman and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly,” she replied.  “I just can’t seem to get used to the taste.”

I then asked to see the jelly.  The woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly”.

I kid you not.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

~ Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry & Proctology.”

The town fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to:

“Hysterias and Posteriors.”

This was not acceptable so they changed it again to:

“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

No go, so they tried:

“Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again, so up went:

“Manic depressives and Anal-retentives.”

This didn’t fly, so here came:

“Minds and Behinds.”  “Lost Souls and Assholes.”  “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”  “Queers and Rears.”  “Nuts and Butts.”  “Freaks and Cheeks.”

“Loons and Moons” did not work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day.
She started taking laxatives
To pass the time away.

The laxatives they did not work
The watch it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is,
Just look up Mary’s father
(who also has a watch).

~ Special thanks to Linda Boyd LPN, Chesapeake VA

President William Howard Taft was so obese that it was often joked that he was pregnant.

One day, NY Senator Chauncey Depew placed his hand on Taft’s belly and asked. ”What are you going to name it when it arrives, Mr. President?”

“Well, if it’s a boy, I’ll call it William. If it is a girl, I’ll call it Theodora. But if it turns out to be just hot air, I’ll call it Chauncey.”

“Good afternoon, barkeep, a pint of ‘Less’ if you please,” said the old man.

“Less? Never heard of it,” replied the barman. ”We certainly don’t stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?”

“Well I’m not sure,” admitted the man. “My doctor recommended it. He said I should drink Less.”

Gastroenterologist:

• A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

• A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Who’s the Boss?

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge, ” said the stomach,” because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge” said the eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge, “said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge.

First gastroenterologist?

“Abstain from beans.”
~ Pythagoras,6th cent bc

The Roman goddess of excrement was named Cloacina.

The flush toilet is an ancient invention dating back to 2000 BC. They are attributed to the Minoan civilization on Greek island of Crete. King Minos’ palace contained lavatories, sinks, manholes, and massive sewer system. Gravity or cisterns powered the flushing commodes.

We saw a teenager the other day who had swallowed ten quarters on a bet…

There’s been no change yet.

A physician had ordered eardrops for an infection in a patient’s right ear.  He abbreviated ‘place in right ear’ as “place in R ear.”

Though the rectal treatment of an earache made no sense, the duty nurse promptly put the prescribed number of drops into the patient’s bottom.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

A medical student wanted to specialize as a gastroenterologist.  He wanted to be a really good gastroenterologist, so he decided to go down to the morgue after class and get in a little extra practice.

When the student uncovered the first corpse, he discovered that there was a cork in the corpse’s bottom.  The student thought that was a little strange, so he pulled out the cork and music started to play:  “On the road again….just can’t wait to get on the road again…”  The student really freaked out!

He ran to get the County Medical Examiner and dragged the Coroner back to the table.

“Look at this!” the student exclaimed, as he pulled the cork out again.  “On the road again….”

The County Coroner was totally unimpressed.  “So what?” he asked.

“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” the medical student asked.

“Are you kidding?  That’s nothing,” replied the Medical Examiner. “Any a**hole can sing country music!”

Two jocks are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bottom.

“If you don’t mind my saying.” says the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable.  Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” laments the first jock.  “It is permanently stuck in my bottom.”

“I don’t understand,” says the other.

I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Gypsy attire came oozing out.  He said, ‘I am a Genie…I can grant you one wish.’ “

“I said, ‘No sh*t!’ “

Sign on entrance door to endoscopy:

“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

A pirate off the coast of England spies a merchant ship in the distance.  “First mate,” he bellowed, “fetch me my red shirt!”  After slipping out of his full-sleeved white shirt into the red shirt, he issued the order to attack.

Following the successful battle, the first mate timidly enquired, “Captain, sir, why did you want your red shirt for the battle?”

“Because I knew we would need to fight hand to hand to win our battle, and if I was wounded in the battle, and blood stained my white shirt, the men would lose the heart to fight.”

Later that week, the timid mate ran to the Captain.  “Captain, sir, we see three British Man-o-War ships veering down upon us!  What are we to do?”

“First mate,” he replied calmly, “fetch me my brown pants.”

~ contributed by David Balaban MD, Charloottesville VA