A man went in for a colonoscopy.  The gastroenterologist examined him, and then turned him onto his side to begin the procedure.

The doc immediately noticed a large piece of lettuce protruding from the gentleman’s posterior.

“Sir,” she said, “did you know that you have lettuce hanging out of your bottom?”

“Yes,” replied the man, “but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Two gastroenterologists are discussing their most baffling cases.  One gastro tells the other one about the day she put his scope into a patient and found a large bouquet of flowers.

The other gastro looks really amazed and asks, “Where did those flowers come from?”

The first gastro shrugged her shoulders and answered, “How should I know?  There wasn’t any card!”

”What’s all this fuss I hear about endangered feces?  That’s outrageous.

Why is feces endangered?

How can you possibly run out of such a thing?

And besides…who wants to save THAT, anyway?”
~ Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, Saturday Night Live

Three men met at a party, and it wasn’t long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kinds of cars they drove.  “I’m a veterinarian,” said the first fellow.  “So, naturally, I drive a white ‘Vet.”

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, “I own a sign company, so I Drive a purple Neon.”

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.  “Well,” he finally admitted, “I’m a gastroenterologist…and I have a brown Probe.”

A doctor is waiting in the examination room.  On the table is his patient, in the position, his derriere catching the breeze.  Long minutes tick by.

Finally the nurse enters and sets a bottle of beer on the table next to the doctor.

He stares at it for a moment, then turns to his nurse.

“No…I said, ‘Bring me a butt light.’”

A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by patients during colonoscopy:

• “Take it easy, doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

• “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

• “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

• “Are we there yet?”

• “Can you hear me now?”

My stomach’s been bothering me, Doc”, complained the patient.

“Possibly a problem in your diet.  What are you eating?”

“Oh, that’s easy. I only eat pool balls!”

“POOL BALLS?!” asked the astonished doctor.  “That may just be it! What kind do you eat?”

“All kinds: red ones for breakfast; yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks and black and purple for supper.”

“I see your problem”, commented the doc. “You haven’t been getting any greens!”

Gastroenterology:

The rare profession in which the doctor starts out at the bottom…

…And stays there!

• “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.  You do the Hokey Pokey…”

• “Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!”

• “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

• “Hey, doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

There’s a made for TV movie about a gastroenterologist who find true love with a patient.

It’s called:

“Somebody Up There Loves Me”.

We recently hospitalized a butcher who became injured when he backed into his meat grinder.

He’s gotten a little behind in his work!

A prominent cardiologist died.  At his elaborate funeral, a large, anatomically correct floral heart was set on the dais behind the casket.

At the end of the service, during the final prayer, the large heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside.

A physician in the audience burst into loud laughter.  As his friends shushed him, he chortled, “I’m a gastro!  Can you imagine my funeral”?

~ Special thanks to Chan Ashby MD, Chesapeake VA

Travel to the North Pole.

Bring along a saw and a box of frozen peas

Cut a hole in the ice.

Lay a single row of peas around the hole in the ice.

When a bear comes to take a pea,  just kick him in the ice hole.

It’s only 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar gets up to leave. The bartender says to him, “Hey buddy, why’re ya’ goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here ‘til past midnight. Something wrong?”

“Nah, just gotta sore rear end from sittin’ on this stool for so long.”

“Buddy, I got just the thing for ya’”, says the bartender, reaching up to the top shelf behind the bar. He pulls out a bottle of pills, and hands the guy two.

“What’re these? Aspirin?”

“No, “ says the bartender, “stool softeners.”

A cannibal went to the witch doctor complaining of an upset stomach after eating his last meal.  The witch doctor queried him about what he had eaten.

The cannibal replied, “I had one of those guys who wears a hooded robe with a knotted rope down the side, and he was carrying a rosary.”

“Well, how did you cook him?” the witch doctor asked.

“I boiled him” the cannibal replied.

“Well, that’s your problem, you cooked him completely wrong” said the witch doctor, “you should have known he was a friar!”

Turtles can breathe through their bottoms.

The blue whale has 400 feet of intestines, man about 26 feet.

Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Q:  What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A:  Polaroids

A trendy new medical facility opened last month. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor’s office door would represent his practice.

So, when construction was complete:

• The eye doctor’s door had a peephole.

• The orthopedist’s door had a broken hinge.

• The psychiatrist’s door was painted all kinds of crazy colors,

• …and the gastroenterologist’s door was left open…just a crack!!

I work as a gastroenterologist in a hospital.  Recently, I was caring for a woman and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly,” she replied.  “I just can’t seem to get used to the taste.”

I then asked to see the jelly.  The woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly”.

I kid you not.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

~ Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:

“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry & Proctology.”

The town fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to:

“Hysterias and Posteriors.”

This was not acceptable so they changed it again to:

“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

No go, so they tried:

“Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again, so up went:

“Manic depressives and Anal-retentives.”

This didn’t fly, so here came:

“Minds and Behinds.”  “Lost Souls and Assholes.”  “Analysis and Anal Cysts.”  “Queers and Rears.”  “Nuts and Butts.”  “Freaks and Cheeks.”

“Loons and Moons” did not work either, so they finally settled on:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends.”

Mary had a little watch
She swallowed it one day.
She started taking laxatives
To pass the time away.

The laxatives they did not work
The watch it did not pass.
So if you want to know what time it is,
Just look up Mary’s father
(who also has a watch).

~ Special thanks to Linda Boyd LPN, Chesapeake VA

A cougar was menacing a western town. Mike and Rob, two hunters, were thrilled when a large bounty was offered for the cougar.

The next Saturday, they went out hunting in an area where the cougar had been recently seen.  After several hours tracking, they saw the tall grass ahead rustling.  They both whipped up their rifles as the cougar sprang out…the cougar fell down, dead.

They didn’t know which one’s bullet had killed the great cat

Mike and Rob split the bounty, and they sent the cat to a taxidermist to be mounted.  They agreed that they would each enjoy the stuffed cat on alternate months.

After about six months, driving across town with the cat was just too big a chore, so they agreed to split the trophy.

They flipped a coin to see who would get which end.  Mike was delighted, but as far as Rob was concerned…it was a Cat—A**—Trophy!

President William Howard Taft was so obese that it was often joked that he was pregnant.

One day, NY Senator Chauncey Depew placed his hand on Taft’s belly and asked. ”What are you going to name it when it arrives, Mr. President?”

“Well, if it’s a boy, I’ll call it William. If it is a girl, I’ll call it Theodora. But if it turns out to be just hot air, I’ll call it Chauncey.”

“Good afternoon, barkeep, a pint of ‘Less’ if you please,” said the old man.

“Less? Never heard of it,” replied the barman. ”We certainly don’t stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?”

“Well I’m not sure,” admitted the man. “My doctor recommended it. He said I should drink Less.”

Gastroenterologist:

• A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

• A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Who’s the Boss?

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge, ” said the stomach,” because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”

“I should be in charge” said the eyes, “because I allow the body to see where it goes.”

“I should be in charge, “said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? The a**hole is usually in charge.

First gastroenterologist?

“Abstain from beans.”
~ Pythagoras,6th cent bc

The Roman goddess of excrement was named Cloacina.

The flush toilet is an ancient invention dating back to 2000 BC. They are attributed to the Minoan civilization on Greek island of Crete. King Minos’ palace contained lavatories, sinks, manholes, and massive sewer system. Gravity or cisterns powered the flushing commodes.

We saw a teenager the other day who had swallowed ten quarters on a bet…

There’s been no change yet.

A physician had ordered eardrops for an infection in a patient’s right ear.  He abbreviated ‘place in right ear’ as “place in R ear.”

Though the rectal treatment of an earache made no sense, the duty nurse promptly put the prescribed number of drops into the patient’s bottom.

Dentists have recommended:

That your toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

A medical student wanted to specialize as a gastroenterologist.  He wanted to be a really good gastroenterologist, so he decided to go down to the morgue after class and get in a little extra practice.

When the student uncovered the first corpse, he discovered that there was a cork in the corpse’s bottom.  The student thought that was a little strange, so he pulled out the cork and music started to play:  “On the road again….just can’t wait to get on the road again…”  The student really freaked out!

He ran to get the County Medical Examiner and dragged the Coroner back to the table.

“Look at this!” the student exclaimed, as he pulled the cork out again.  “On the road again….”

The County Coroner was totally unimpressed.  “So what?” he asked.

“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” the medical student asked.

“Are you kidding?  That’s nothing,” replied the Medical Examiner. “Any a**hole can sing country music!”

Two jocks are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bottom.

“If you don’t mind my saying.” says the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable.  Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” laments the first jock.  “It is permanently stuck in my bottom.”

“I don’t understand,” says the other.

I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Gypsy attire came oozing out.  He said, ‘I am a Genie…I can grant you one wish.’ “

“I said, ‘No sh*t!’ “

Sign on entrance door to endoscopy:

“To expedite your visit, please back in.”

A pirate off the coast of England spies a merchant ship in the distance.  “First mate,” he bellowed, “fetch me my red shirt!”  After slipping out of his full-sleeved white shirt into the red shirt, he issued the order to attack.

Following the successful battle, the first mate timidly enquired, “Captain, sir, why did you want your red shirt for the battle?”

“Because I knew we would need to fight hand to hand to win our battle, and if I was wounded in the battle, and blood stained my white shirt, the men would lose the heart to fight.”

Later that week, the timid mate ran to the Captain.  “Captain, sir, we see three British Man-o-War ships veering down upon us!  What are we to do?”

“First mate,” he replied calmly, “fetch me my brown pants.”

~ contributed by David Balaban MD, Charloottesville VA

A gentleman was having some constipation problems and his doctor told him he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast.

At the end of a week the patient returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he felt worse!

“Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?”

“No,” confessed the man, “all I could manage was about 15 minutes.”