A man went in for a colonoscopy. The gastroenterologist examined him, and then turned him onto his side to begin the procedure. The doc immediately noticed a large piece of lettuce protruding from the gentleman’s posterior. “Sir,” she said, “did you know that you have lettuce hanging out of your bottom?” “Yes,” replied the man, …
Category Archive: Colonoscopy, It’ll Crack You Up!
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/just-the-tip/
Two gastroenterologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One gastro tells the other one about the day she put his scope into a patient and found a large bouquet of flowers. The other gastro looks really amazed and asks, “Where did those flowers come from?” The first gastro shrugged her shoulders and answered, “How should …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/stop-and-smell-the-flowers/
”What’s all this fuss I hear about endangered feces? That’s outrageous. Why is feces endangered? How can you possibly run out of such a thing? And besides…who wants to save THAT, anyway?” ~ Gilda Radner as Emily Litella, Saturday Night Live
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/endangered-feces/
Three men met at a party, and it wasn’t long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kinds of cars they drove. “I’m a veterinarian,” said the first fellow. “So, naturally, I drive a white ‘Vet.” As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, “I own a sign company, …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/what-kind-of-car-do-you-drive/
A doctor is waiting in the examination room. On the table is his patient, in the position, his derriere catching the breeze. Long minutes tick by. Finally the nurse enters and sets a bottle of beer on the table next to the doctor. He stares at it for a moment, then turns to his nurse. …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/anyone-thirsty/
A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by patients during colonoscopy: • “Take it easy, doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” • “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” • “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?” • “Are we there yet?” • “Can you hear …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/what-did-you-say/
My stomach’s been bothering me, Doc”, complained the patient. “Possibly a problem in your diet. What are you eating?” “Oh, that’s easy. I only eat pool balls!” “POOL BALLS?!” asked the astonished doctor. “That may just be it! What kind do you eat?” “All kinds: red ones for breakfast; yellow and orange ones for lunch, …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/02/the-corner-pocket/
Gastroenterology: The rare profession in which the doctor starts out at the bottom… …And stays there!
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/definition-of-gastroenterology/
• “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey…” • “Hey, now I know how a Muppet feels!” • “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” • “Hey, doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/more-comments-heard-during-a-colonoscopy/
There’s a made for TV movie about a gastroenterologist who find true love with a patient. It’s called: “Somebody Up There Loves Me”.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/for-your-viewing-pleasure/
We recently hospitalized a butcher who became injured when he backed into his meat grinder. He’s gotten a little behind in his work!
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/hazards-of-work/
A prominent cardiologist died. At his elaborate funeral, a large, anatomically correct floral heart was set on the dais behind the casket. At the end of the service, during the final prayer, the large heart opened, and the casket slowly rolled inside. A physician in the audience burst into loud laughter. As his friends shushed …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/respect-for-the-dead/
Travel to the North Pole. Bring along a saw and a box of frozen peas Cut a hole in the ice. Lay a single row of peas around the hole in the ice. When a bear comes to take a pea, just kick him in the ice hole.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/how-to-catch-a-polar-bear/
It’s only 10 p.m. on a Wednesday night, and a guy sitting at a bar gets up to leave. The bartender says to him, “Hey buddy, why’re ya’ goin’ home so soon? I usually see you here ‘til past midnight. Something wrong?” “Nah, just gotta sore rear end from sittin’ on this stool for so …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/one-night-in-a-bar/
A cannibal went to the witch doctor complaining of an upset stomach after eating his last meal. The witch doctor queried him about what he had eaten. The cannibal replied, “I had one of those guys who wears a hooded robe with a knotted rope down the side, and he was carrying a rosary.” “Well, …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-cannibals-upset-stomach/
Turtles can breathe through their bottoms. The blue whale has 400 feet of intestines, man about 26 feet. Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/more-true-facts/
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A: Polaroids
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/an-eskimo-joke/
A trendy new medical facility opened last month. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor’s office door would represent his practice. So, when construction was complete: • The eye doctor’s door had a peephole. • The orthopedist’s door had a broken hinge. • The psychiatrist’s door was painted all kinds …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/new-construction/
I work as a gastroenterologist in a hospital. Recently, I was caring for a woman and asked, “So, how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly,” she replied. “I just can’t seem to get used to the taste.” I then asked to see the jelly. The woman produced a foil …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-medical-anecdote/
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.” ~ Dr. Susan Steinberg, …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-heart-attack/
Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading: “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry & Proctology.” The town fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable so they changed it again to: “Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/truth-in-advertising/
Mary had a little watch She swallowed it one day. She started taking laxatives To pass the time away. The laxatives they did not work The watch it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, Just look up Mary’s father (who also has a watch). ~ Special thanks to …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-gastrointestinal-nursery-rhyme/
A cougar was menacing a western town. Mike and Rob, two hunters, were thrilled when a large bounty was offered for the cougar. The next Saturday, they went out hunting in an area where the cougar had been recently seen. After several hours tracking, they saw the tall grass ahead rustling. They both whipped up …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-hunting-we-will-go/
President William Howard Taft was so obese that it was often joked that he was pregnant. One day, NY Senator Chauncey Depew placed his hand on Taft’s belly and asked. ”What are you going to name it when it arrives, Mr. President?” “Well, if it’s a boy, I’ll call it William. If it is a …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/presidential-wind/
“Good afternoon, barkeep, a pint of ‘Less’ if you please,” said the old man. “Less? Never heard of it,” replied the barman. ”We certainly don’t stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?” “Well I’m not sure,” admitted the man. “My doctor recommended it. He said I should drink Less.”
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/beer-on-tap/
Gastroenterologist: • A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. • A brain surgeon for lawyers.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/what-is-a-gastroenterologist/
Who’s the Boss? “I should be in charge,” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you’d all waste away.” “I should be in charge, ” said the stomach,” because I process food and give all of you energy.” “I should be in charge” said the legs, “because I carry the …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/the-boss/
First gastroenterologist? “Abstain from beans.” ~ Pythagoras,6th cent bc The Roman goddess of excrement was named Cloacina. The flush toilet is an ancient invention dating back to 2000 BC. They are attributed to the Minoan civilization on Greek island of Crete. King Minos’ palace contained lavatories, sinks, manholes, and massive sewer system. Gravity or cisterns …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/ancient-gastroenterology/
We saw a teenager the other day who had swallowed ten quarters on a bet… There’s been no change yet.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/need-change/
A physician had ordered eardrops for an infection in a patient’s right ear. He abbreviated ‘place in right ear’ as “place in R ear.” Though the rectal treatment of an earache made no sense, the duty nurse promptly put the prescribed number of drops into the patient’s bottom.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/wrong-way-to-do-it/
Dentists have recommended: That your toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from the toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/true-facts-really/
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/amazing-bowel-fact/
A medical student wanted to specialize as a gastroenterologist. He wanted to be a really good gastroenterologist, so he decided to go down to the morgue after class and get in a little extra practice. When the student uncovered the first corpse, he discovered that there was a cork in the corpse’s bottom. The student …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/cork-joke-1/
Two jocks are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bottom. “If you don’t mind my saying.” says the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?” “I can’t,” laments the first jock. “It is …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/one-more-cork-joke/
Sign on entrance door to endoscopy: “To expedite your visit, please back in.”
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/funny-signage/
A pirate off the coast of England spies a merchant ship in the distance. “First mate,” he bellowed, “fetch me my red shirt!” After slipping out of his full-sleeved white shirt into the red shirt, he issued the order to attack. Following the successful battle, the first mate timidly enquired, “Captain, sir, why did you …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2012/01/a-pirate-tale/
A gentleman was having some constipation problems and his doctor told him he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week the patient returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he felt worse! “Did you drink warm water an hour before …
Permanent link to this article: http://www.colonjoke.net/2010/03/sounds-like-a-colonoscopy-prep/